You see, I went to apply for the Lucky Mojo Rootwork Course. And I did so simply out of spite, to upset catherine yronwode on a personal level. It's too bad she figured me out so fast, because after only 8 minutes on the phone she said she wouldn't take me for her class and wouldn't change her mind. She then so kindly sought to ensure I understood my defeat, that in a most gracious and chivalrous manner, she kept me on the phone for 20 more minutes despite my efforts, and related how she'd seen through all my glorious malice:
As she so rightly concluded, I'd been deviously scheming for years to ruin her business by doing awful things like buying her products on a fairly frequent basis, then writing unflattering reviews of them on such occasions as I found unflattering things about them -- and in front of fifteen whole blog followers! Surely, I so often thought with utmost glee, surely this will destroy her business. She also seized upon the way that I'm raking in millions through doing this, through having an Amazon Associates Link and Adsense up on my blog so that I can make, like, $5 a year in referral fees between the two of them. This is all done by simply spending around $50 at a time several times a year to buy her products -- just to write mean things about them. Gotta spend money to make money, afterall.
Furthermore, I wrote a whole book of magical formulas just to be mean! See, the scheme there, as she concluded so wisely, was to ruin her whole business by writing a book full of recipes for magical formulas, that you'd have to buy like $20 worth of herbs and essential oils from her in order to make yourself, instead of just buying one mixture from her ready-made for $6! Why I was cackling in my sleep over that one, I tell you, it was so cruel a plan! I'd also totally stolen formulas from her that she invented, passing them off as my own through such subtil means as crediting her as the source, and villainously recommending her website and her book to the readers on page 98! Also, as she rightly guessed, I stole the name of this said book, The Conjure Cookbook, from a book of hers that was NOT called Conjure Cookbook! (That's why the plan was so clever!) I just don't know how she got so smart.
But I was stunned that she saw through my other plan, which I'd figured as cunning as a fox that's been appointed professor of Cunning at Oxford University, for myself to rewrite a book I'd already written; especially when she told me, "I don't give out my recipes, I don't have any secrets for you to steal." See? She had also realized that I was only joining her course to steal the zero recipes! And I had so been looking forward to writing a whole new book of formulas, that would have entirely consisted of those zero recipes. She also pointed out how silly it was of me to want to take a class that's not about making formulas from someone whose formulas I say terrible things about. I had to point out to her that I merely was buying them in malice to begin with.
Now I'd bumped heads with her before on those charming forums she keeps, and had decided to escape from them while I still liked her at least a bit, but man, I forgot all of that after talking to her this time. Who could fail to love one so thoughtful? She even did me the favor of reading back to me EVERY POST I EVER MADE ABOUT HER PRODUCTS ON THIS BLOG, in a helpfully disdainful tone that made even the good reviews sound malicious (just like I'd always meant for them to sound.) This took up a great deal of her own time so I know what a great inconvenience it must have been for her, to do me this favor. Some examples, to replicate this beautiful and overt emphasis on the negative that I'd always intended, in the mode she read them back:
"Epsom salt bath with herbal matter THROWN IN!!!!"
"It loses a point on the oil for the UNFORTUNATE smokey smell!"
"Shipping comes within a "reasonable" time and in "reasonable" packaging."
Music to one's ears, that; like Florence Foster Jenkins singing Queen of the Night.
Anyway, she wisely concluded I was only out to get her and that to allow me in her class would be, as she put it, "like putting [her] hand in a viper's mouth." She recognized that my occult business, Lucky Temple, outright competes with her manufacturing and selling of oils, powders and incenses; it does this by way of selling magic spell casting services that cause me to need to buy oils, powders and incenses from other people such as her! It's exactly the way restaurants put farmers out of business! Ah, yes, she did ask me over and over and over, "So do you make your own products?" trying so nicely to give me an out and prove that we really were on the same team -- but by then I was so moved by her niceness that I just couldn't lie: I did in the past make limited edition products, typically consisting of items I couldn't find for sale elsewhere, though she's so cunning I just had to stop making them. Oh, true, I do have an aStore from which people visiting my site could buy whatever oils happen to be listed on Amazon in a given day, and mentioned that to her -- for I think two people ever might have bought formulas from it. But it's a good thing for their sake Lucky Mojo doesn't do filthy deeds like selling products on Amazon because filth like me might filthily promote their products to other filth.
Well, well, in any case, I can say when I've lost. She sure humiliated me. But the thing is, she underestimated my wickedness -- And I'm such an ill tempered, sore loser, that I'll create a new scheme of wickedness that's purer still, against her. It's even better than maliciously buying things from her! I will maliciously NOT buy things from her!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Though sadly I had put in an order like 2 days before all this other stuff happened so it will have to wait.
2 comments:
Yikes...e
Yikes is right! That's really a sad, sad situation.
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